Jacqueline

Hometown:
Brooklyn, NY
Positive since:
1990
Relationship:
Monogamous relationship
Age: 45

My friends call me Jackie. I’m a 43 year old Puerto Rican mother of three, and I was born and raised in Brooklyn, NY.

I believe that I was infected by my partner. I was diagnosed with HIV in September 1990, while in the hospital for a pregnancy related issue with my third child. My mother and my sister came to visit right after I got my test results. My mother immediately knew that something was wrong (the way mothers do.) I was crying when I told her, then she started to cry too.

My diagnosis led to my first attempt at recovery from substance abuse. However, at the time I was unable to deal with the reality of my status and relapsed. Because of my inability to deal with having HIV, my daughter was born positive. Because of my addiction, I also lost custody of my kids. It took me six years to accept that reality. The people I associated with at the time began dying. Those who didn’t die either went to prison or into treatment. I started to get tired of being alone in the streets.

My addiction caused me to take many risks. I became a sex worker and thief to support my addiction. I remember my customers saying they’d pay more to have sex without a condom. I already knew I was infected, but that didn’t stop me from having unprotected sex. At the time I thought, “I’m gonna die anyway so what the F---.” More money meant more drugs, and drugs were the only way I knew how to deal with my feelings.

When I decided to stop using I knew that it wasn’t going to be easy. I went into a Therapeutic Community because I knew that I would not be able to stay off drugs if I was still on the streets. While in treatment, I learned about HIV, nutrition and my addiction. During my early recovery, my relationship with my daughters and mother were a source of strength for me. Fear of death got me into treatment, and the joy of living kept me going.

Early recovery consisted mostly of programming and structured events. The discipline I learned in treatment still carries me through my day-to-day life. As I started to near the end of my time in treatment, I discovered 12-step programs and drug-free events. I’ve always loved to dance and meet new people, and these events were very helpful to find new friends who would become a powerful part of my new life. Some friends are no longer part of my life, but the impact they’ve made keeps them near and dear to me. Today, my recovery is about making amends to myself, my family and my friends. I’m still learning about myself and what it means to be a good mother, friend and daughter. My mother passed away in 2004. My mother was a source of strength and support throughout my addiction and recovery. Now that she’s not here, I can look at my higher power for strength and support. It wasn’t until she died that I had a spiritual awakening.